How Much Should We Expect From Teenagers?
We expect teenagers in transition, especially those who have one foot out the door already, to think, feel and behave like adults – young adults, to be sure, but capable of greater maturity than they sometimes demonstrate. But in “In Over Our Heads: The Mental Demands of Modern Life,” a Harvard psychologist suggests that we may be asking more of them than we should.
Self-reflection, insight and awareness are skills that call for a higher level of cognition – a more complex mental organization – than most teenagers possess. They require not only the ability to recognize that other people have different views and perspectives than you do, but to take them into account for their own sake, not just whether they serve your own needs and wishes. This skill set is the hallmark of mutual reciprocity, which is the basis of truly adult interpersonal relationships.
Children as well as teenagers are practiced in what might be called “tit for tat” reciprocity – that is, if I promise to call if I’m going to be late, they’ll let me use the car. But mutual reciprocity -I’ll call when I’m going to be late because if I don’t, they’ll worry about me – is a different, higher level of thinking. It’s more characteristic of adulthood than adolescence. So the next time your teenager acts like one – narcissistic, self-involved, and blissfully unaware of how his actions affect anyone else but himself – chalk it up to his mind, which is still developing the complexity necessary to consider your feelings as well as his own.
I love your site, and have actually put a link on my own site for parents of college-bound teens to help families navigate this challenging transition.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom!
[...] feel the need to return home and fill the void left by his leaving. Yet in none of the three college orientation programs my friend has attended as each of her older kids matriculated at different colleges was this [...]
nice post. thanks.